This is for your friends. Here, have another one.
Shit. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit. Oh, my God. What do we do?
- Come on. Come on. - Choose one.
- We can slip out the back, man. - Come on. Let's hurry up and do this.
Are you crazy, man? Wanna end up like that guy?
Not me. I need my nuts, man, for a lot of things.
- We need liquor. - You need it. I don't.
I'm gonna tell Becca how I feel. Maybe she'll get with me.
I'm not gonna get her drunk out of her mind.
Oh, really? Then how come you never made a move, you pussy?
Because I respect her, Seth. I'm not gonna put unfair pressure on her.
I don't see a problem. Let's just do it.
We're leaving, okay? You wanna get killed for liquor?
No, but I would get killed for pussy, no questions asked.
- Fuck this, man. - You're just gonna bail on me?
- I'm going. - Fucking bitch.
Move, people.
- Thank you. - Oh, I love this place.
What the hell is going on in there?
If the bullets start flying, hit the deck.
You pissed everywhere, you son of a bitch!
Everywhere? You didn't see me pissing anywhere.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Take your nuts out of your shells!
Michaels, I got your back.
Why don't you show this rummy how we roll?
10-4.
Excuse me, sir. Stop what you are doing at once.
- Blue guys! - Resisting. Resisting!
- Slater! - Michaels!
Everybody stay calm.
- Everybody stay calm. - Get the fuck out of my way!
Stay calm! Fuck!
- Should I shoot him? - No, no, no!
- No! - Stop him, McLovin!
McLovin, stop him! Do it, do it, do it, do it!
Please stop it, you fucking bum. What the fuck?
McLovin! Nice!
He just came at me. I took him down.
- I'm buying you a beer, McLovin. - I'm buying you one too.
Take note. That's how you take down a motherfucker.
That's right.
McLovin in the fucking house!
Hey. You dance hot.
Thank you.
Okay, okay. Here we... Here we go.
- Hello? - Evan, it's Becca.
Oh, Becca. Hi.
Hey. Hello. Hey. Becca.
- Becca... - Evan, can you hear me?
- Hello? What? - Can you hear...? Piece of shit!
Guy sells me a piece of shit fucking phone.
- Becca? - It's Becca.
I get one bar everywhere I fucking go.
- What is he saying? - Fucking asshole.
- I think... - What happened?
Son-of-a-fucking-bitch phone company.
- What? It's rude. Hello? - Fuck. You suck.
Bullshit phone. Piece of shit.
I swear I'll bitchslap you so fucking hard.
- What? - Bec...?
Thanks.
This is fucking crazy.
Hey. Look what fell out of the truck!
You're full of shit.
Yeah, I know.
Dude. Dude. We're so gonna get fucked up.
- All right. - Hey.
What is that?
I don't know. What?
That fucking stain on your pants, idiot. What is that?
- What are you talking about, man? - Dude.
- Is that blood? - What the fuck is that?
- Are you bleeding? - I'm not cut or anything.
- Why would I be bleeding? - It's fucking blood, man.
Were you dancing with some chick in there?
- Yeah, so? - It's blood.
- Dude, that's not funny. - It's blood, dude.
But why would I be bleeding? Why the fuck would I be bl...?
Dude, why would there be bl...?
Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.
Oh, shit. I'm gonna fucking throw up.
Someone perioded on my fucking leg?
- Oh, shit. - What the fuck do I do?
I've never before seen that in my life!
This is so disgusting.
- Yes, it is. - I'm gonna go get Bill.
- He's gotta check this shit out. - Fuck, yeah.
No. Who's Bill? Don't tell Bill! Bill has nothing to do with this!
Hey, calm down. Let me get a picture of that real quick.
No, you can't have a picture!
- Dude, stop! - Bill, Bill! Check it out!
This kid's got period blood on his slacks.
It's merlot. That's what you don't get.
Hey, Pat! This jerk-off's got period blood on his pants!
- Please stop. - God, man, let me see.
Oh, my God, that's a fucking man-gina, man.
- Do you need a tampon? I could... - Wait, wait. I have one! I have one!
Yeah, right? I don't know.
- I gotta wash this off. Is this the line? - What does it look like?
Fuck me, right?
"Yeah, I'm McLovin. I'd like to buy some..."
Shit.
- Rewind, rewind. - Rewind it. Yeah!
So hot. Let's see it again.
- Your legs lifted off the ground. - That is bona fide badass, man.
You gotta keep that tape, McLovin. It is badass.
- It really is. - Really?
Well, don't you guys, like, need it for, like, evidence or...?
The only thing that's evidence of is you can take a hit like a champ.
Seriously. Take that.
Are there any ladies we'd like to show this tape to?
No. You don't wanna meet a chick in a bar, man. Seriously.
That was a turning point in my life, when I realized that.
You gotta go to other places. You gotta go to a spin class, a farmers' market...
...pumpkin patch, given the time of year.
Just somewhere social, non-threatening.
- You know, something like that. - Yeah, I met the missus at paintball.
Yeah, I shot her in the neck. And we just...
And we just hit it off, you know.
My first wife... Who is a whore, by the way.
- Where do you think I met her?
A bar. A bar.
- It was this bar. - It was this bar.
Yeah, it was this bar.
Bought her a Binion's, complimented her on her tote bag...
...and next thing I know, she's putting her mouth around the tip of my penis.
You don't have to tell me that.
- Right in there. - She opened up my world, sexually.
On our wedding night, we had group sex.
I wasn't involved in it.
- But I could hear it through the wall. - I was.
She was amazing. And then it was exactly 23 months later...
...that I found out she was an actual whore.
- We discovered her on the street. - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
She was bad. Fucking whoring bitch.
- But you got a new wife now, so... - Yeah. Yeah.
And she is wonderful.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You'll meet her.
You know what? I bet I know your trick, McLovin.
- You play the whole myst... - Calling all units.
Just turn that off.
Send backup! There's so much blood...
I bet you play the whole mysterious-guy thing, right?
Yeah, seriously. How's it going with the ladies?
It's not the going with the ladies I care about...
...it's the coming.
- I get it. - What is it? What is it?
Like:
Like coming.
- That's funny. That is really funny. - Oh, my God.
All right, looks like we got a call. We can't pay for these.
10-4. We'll be right there.
- Speedy Gonzales, let's go. - We should get road beers.
Hell, yeah, we should get some road beers.
Can I have 13 beers to go, please?
Please. God, my fucking leg.
Fuck.
- I think it's him. - Is it him?
- Hello? - Hey, Becca.
Hi, I had a bad reception. So about your Goldslick...
- Guys, shut up. - Hey, what's going on over there?
It's nothing. It's just...
I was just calling, you know, to see if you were coming...
...because I thought maybe you were stuck at, like, a nightclub...
...or a cocktail party or something.
No, no, I'm gonna be there for sure. Full throttle.
- Charlie's Angels 2. - Awesome.
- I can't wait to see you. Evan? - Okay, bye.
That was the first time I ever did coke. Off that bitch's nipple. That was so...
- A little white sniff. - That was awesome.
That was gorgeous.
Hey, hey, hey. You guys, stay in this room, man.
They're gonna kill that guy tonight. That chick's boyfriend is pissed.
Yeah. He's a beast.
I've been praying for a fight. I'm literally waking up and praying...
...to see a fucking fight. - Hey, hey, hey.
Who's that guy?
- Hi. - Who is that guy?
- Who's this guy? - Pleasure to see you fellas.
Hi, everyone.
- Who are you? - I'm nobody.
No, no, no. I know you. I know you.
He was at that party I was telling you about.
- No, no. - Who is it?
Remember? He's Jimmy's brother. The guy. The singer.
- No. - He's the guy with the beautiful voice.
- The fucking singer, Jimmy's brother! - That's not me, man.
- Oh, my God. - Sing for us! Sing.
"It's not me"? You fucking lying?
No, I don't mean to accuse you guys of being ill-informed, but...
My brother came from Scottsdale, Arizona to be here.
You're not gonna sing for him?
- Fucking bullshit. - Sing.
- You're a fucking singer. - You sing good.
- Sing it again. - Like a bird.
- No, I know, I just... I want to. - You want a line of cocaine?
- No way, man. - Yeah.
Don't make this weird. Sing.
- Sing it again. - Turbo.
- Fuck! Over! - Okay, watch this.
I'll get it right on the nose.
You're gonna fuck it up. You're gonna fuck it up.
Under!
I feel hammered. That doesn't make any sense.
- You're a fucking pussy. - Okay, okay. Great, great.
- Okay, McLovin, see if you can do it. - The kid's gonna nail it.
Come on, McLovin. Do it, buddy. Come on, buddy!
- Bring it! - 0.08, motherfuckers!
- Man! - That's my boy!
- Yes! - Beginner's luck. Beginner's luck.
So, what's it like to have guns?
It is awesome, McLovin.
- I mean, it's mindbl... - It's great.
I haven't had one for long, a few months, but I'll tell you...
...it's like having two cocks. - Yup.
If one of your cocks could kill someone.
- Can I hold one? - What?
Can I hold one of your guns?
- Yeah, sure. - Fine with me. Why not?
Everyone should hold a gun at least a couple times.
Yeah, there you go.
- Have a blast. - "Have a blast."
- That's funny. - I've never held one of these before.
- Are they hard to shoot? - Lf you're Michaels, they are.
- He can't shoot worth dick. - What?
I can shoot. What are you...? Wait.
- I can't shoot worth dick? - You cannot shoot.
- I shot that cat last week. - It was already dead, man.
- I still shot it. - That cat was dead.
There's only one way to settle this, guys.
- Shoot-off. - Shoot-off.
- Shoot-off! - Shoot-off!
There's a lot of reasons why I like you.
I mean, you're handsome and you're a good friend.
Dude, there he is. That's the guy. Hey, Mark, right there.
Oh, you got a stain too.
- We're blood brothers. - Shut the fuck up.
You're in my house, you answer my questions.
What were you doing dancing with Jacinda?
I don't even dance. I just...
I don't even dance ever, so... I've never even tried it.
Then where the hell did this come from, asshole?
Maybe you and I rubbed up against each other at some point.
I don't remember. Maybe it was some ricochet scenario. I don't know.
- How am I supposed to know? - Kick his ass, Mark.
Shut the fuck up, Scarlett.
Where do you get off dancing with my fiancée?
To some girl.
Talk about the hurting.
- Shit. - All right.
- Yo! Fight! - Move it!
- Go, check this out! - Oh, fuck!
And what the hell is this?
- I don't fucking... It's detergent. - Yeah, what are you doing with it?
I got fucking blood on my pants.
Get down.
What the fuck is this all about, man? Are you...?
- Well, fuck me. - Fellas.
Oh, shit, I've been tackled by little girls!
You die! You're next!
I should fucking kill you, you motherfucker!
- Hold him, Jimmy's brother! Hold him! - What do you mean? No. No way!
- You humiliated me! - I'm sorry!
- You used my leg as a tampon! - I'm calling the cops.
Evan! Come on! Move!
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
Yeah. Fifth and Paysview. Hurry.
Mark, I called the cops. You should hide your gun.
You're a fucking pussy.
Don't listen to him, officer.
If you make this, we're no longer friends, Michaels.
- You're a fucking pussy. - Cheating. You're cheating.
- Fuck me. - Oh, suck on my nuts, Slater!
All right, you... That was a lucky shot.
- That was a lucky shot. - I rule.
I got jizzed on. All right.
- Can I shoot one? - Yeah, go nuts. Go nuts.
Have a good time, man.
Empty the clip. Empty the clip on it, man. Shit!
The cops! Bail! Bail! Bail! Shotgun, shotgun! Damn it!
Shotgun.
- What a rush. - What do you guys wanna do?
- Man, let's get drunk! - Let's get more fucked up!
You're fucking living the dream, Michaels!
Oh, man.
This is gonna be the best night ever.
- Got a 257 at Fifth and Paysview. - Shit.
All units in the area report to Fifth and Paysview.
- Car 98, that's you. Do it. - Fuck.
- Shit. - Shit.
Car 98 on it. You dumb fucking whore.
Hey, did she say we're gonna get to shoot somebody or something?
Oh, God, I wish.
It's probably some lame house party. We'll drop you off after. Cool?
Yeah, man. Let's show these fuckers how we roll!
- You fucking prick. - What?
- You bailed on me. - I didn't bail on you.
Yeah, you did.
You said you were gonna do something and you didn't do it.
That's bailing.
You're the one that dragged me to that fucking party with those lunatics.
- I didn't bail on you. - You bailed on me, okay?
You bailed on me this morning when Jesse spat on me...
...and you're bailing on me next year.
What the fuck? It finally comes out. That's good, man.
We were supposed to go to college together.
Since we were kids, since elementary school...
...that's all we've ever talked about, us going together.
And you got into fucking Dartmouth.
You're making me feel like I'm a bad guy.
What...? I didn't do anything wrong. I got into a good school.
How the fuck am I supposed to get into Dartmouth? You knew I couldn't.
How fucking selfish are you?
You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall.
You don't want me going to a good school.
- Fuck, man! - So, what the fuck do you want?
I'm not gonna let you slow me down anymore, Seth.
What are you saying?
I've wasted the last three years sitting around talking bullshit with you.
Instead of chasing girls and making friends...
...l've just sat around wasting all my time with you.
And now I'm going to college a fucking friendless virgin.
Is this about Becca? This is about some girl, man?
- I like her! - Who gives a fuck?
She's some fucking girl! You gonna go out with her?
- What about after that? - Fuck you, you're a piece of shit.
Fuck you! And next time you're pissed off about something...
...don't keep it inside for 10 years, say it like a fucking man!
- Don't touch me. - Fuck you!
Hey, McLovin, are the numbers on your side odd or even?
- I don't know. It's too dark to see. - We got flashlights.
Oh, that's true.
Where the fuck are we?
- Hey, Slater. - What's that?
Slater.
Now, young Michaels, you will die.
All right. Come on, stop it. I can't fucking see. I can't see. Fuck it.
- Like it? - Hey, fuck off, that hurts.
- You stop first. - Not until you stop.
- Stop it, asshole. - Hey, you stop.
- Fuck you, Evan! - Don't fucking touch me.
Why did you do that?
- You shined the light in my face. - You did too.
- I'm driving. - We were playing Lightsabers.
- Excuse me. - Oh, my God.
Are you guys gonna make sure he's okay?
- Check on him. - You check.
- You go out there and check on him. - Fuck that. You go.
Balls. Okay, we'll both go out there and check on him.
I can't believe this is happening again. What are the odds?
Fuck.
- Is everyone okay? - Yeah, we're great, thanks.
Hey, hey, where's the love?
- He's okay. He's fine. - Stand right next to your friend.
- Get over there. - I got them.
You got these guys?
You boys doing a bit of drinking tonight?
- No, officer. Not at all. Not... We... - We found those.
I don't believe you.
Freeze. Stand right there.
- We're telling the truth. - Keep it going.
- Don't be a hero tonight, guys. - Wrong night for that.
You gotta fucking take care of this.
No. Look, I am not fixing your mistakes again, okay? Fuck that shit.
I don't wanna get shitcanned. I like this job.
Me too. I get free haircuts. I'm not taking the fall.
Okay, okay!
We're gonna arrest these two little dipshits, okay?
And we're gonna pin it on them.
Yeah, do what you have to do.
Spread your shit!
Get on the ground! Loaded gun, ready to go!
Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement, fellas.
- Come on! - Please don't shoot, sir.
"Please don't shoot." Shut up and spread your shit!
I am the law! Okay?
Now hold hands.
- What? - Why?
You don't want an asshole where your face used to be, Whaling Jennings.
- Hold his fucking hand! - Fucking hold my hand.
There. That's not so hard, is it?
Here, McLovin, have a cigarette.
Smoke up. Life's short, you know.
Suck it in, my friend.
Suck it long and deep.
Enjoy it.
McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.
- You like Officer Slater and myself? - Yeah, you guys are awesome.
Thanks. We really like you too, McLovin.
So here's what's about to happen.
We're gonna arrest these guys...
...you're gonna write a witness report saying they leapt in front of our car...
...and there was nothing we could do. Sound cool?
- Yeah, that's fine. - Good.
That's good. Pretend he's your little sister.
Your little sister with the...
What the fuck?
Fagell?
- Shit! - Shit!
Run! Run!
Wait.
Hold on, I gotta get all the booze. Seth, wait up!
McLovin bailed!
Chase the kid!
Stop!
That was a fast kid.
I want a ride! You hear me? You can't unarrest me!
Stop!
- McLovin! - Come on.
McLovin!
McLovin! Why?
McLovin, come back!
My hand! Monster! Nicole! Nicole, get Daddy.
- Get Daddy. - Get Daddy!
- Oh, shit. - Get away from my kids!
You sick sons of bitches!
What the fuck?
Michaels, are you okay?
- It's just beer. - Give me a break.
- It's just beer. - Man up.
What happened? What, did you lose him?
He's a freak. He's the fastest kid alive.
- This is not good. - He's the fastest kid alive.
Fastest kid alive, my ass. Come on. What are we gonna do?
I'll shoot my gun in the air.
Give me a fucking warning before you do it.
I'll scare him out of wherever he's hiding.
This isn't gonna do shit. Get in the car. Get in the car.
This is your fault, you piece of...
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. They shot Seth.
They fucking shot Seth, I know it.
Holy shit.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
- Should I run? - Yes.
- Fuck. Stop! - Stop the bus!
- Stop it! - It's stopping.
- Oh, thank God.
Hey, Evan, pay for me, please.
That's me and him.
Hey, hey. It's you.
McMuffin.
- You know this guy? - It's...
Ain't got no cop people to help you keep your booze now, do you?
Hey! Back the fuck up, man, or I'll beat the shit out of you.
- Give me the booze. - Hey! Back the fuck up.
Back the fuck up. Back the fuck up.
Please, please, calm down, sir.
Goldslick.
Get off the bus or I'm calling the cops.
Eat shit, bum.
Oh, shit, guys. We're three blocks away, man.
We made it. We made it with the booze and everything.
We made it.
Hold this.
I can't believe you still have the liquor.
It's awesome.
Yeah, I told you the idea would work. I fooled those cops.
I'm McLovin. I am McLovin.
Why do you guys have detergent?
I don't understand why you were smoking cigarettes with those cops.
Because I fucking rule.
- We are so gonna get laid tonight. - I am. I'm gonna get laid.
We're finally gonna get our drinks on.
I can't believe Becca's bottle broke.
- I'm sure it'll be fine. - Yeah.
I thought you didn't need it. You were gonna tell her how you feel.
Good luck getting Jules drunk enough to have sex with you.
- What's wrong with you guys? - Nothing.
You two femmes can talk about it next year at your little slumber party.
Oh, you told him.
- Told me what? - Yeah. You're an idiot, Fogell.
- Well, we gotta tell him now. - No, we...
Well, he knows something's up.
What are you guys talking about? Tell me now.
Seth, me and Evan are rooming together next year.
What's the big deal?
"Oh, my God, Fogell's rooming with Evan."
Jeez, why don't you go cry about it?
- I didn't tell you because... - You're a backstabber...
...and you lied to your best friend and you just don't care anymore?
I didn't expect this from you, Evan.
Not from you.
Give me that booze, Fagell.
We never should have had to hide our arrangement.
- Seth's here. - Seth, you're here.
Hi. Everybody, Seth has got it.
- Evan. - Gaby, hey.
Where have you been? You almost blew it.
- What are you talking about? - Becca. She's been waiting.
She's over there.
She's way smashed.
And she's been yammering about you all night.
Really? What was she saying?
She told you that she thinks I'm a good guy?
No, no. She said something more like:
"I will fully blow him tonight."
- What? - I know.
- Yeah. - But she's totally hammered...
...and if I get with her and I'm not drunk, isn't that unethical?
Not if you're drunk too.
I guess not.
To Seth.
- To Seth! - All right.
Who the fuck is Seth?
I'm Seth!
Let's do another one to me.
Oh, boy.
Calm down. Calm down, man.
Calm down. She likes you.
She wants to suck on your penis.
It's a good thing.
It's the best thing.
Just down the hatch.
Fogell. What's up?
Evan, hey. Evie, come here.
Can you please help me up?
I fell down and none of these assholes will help me up.
- Shit. - Becca.
I have been waiting for you for, like, ever.
- What took you so long? - I know, it...
- Do you have my Goldslick? - No, I can't even...
It's such a crazy story, okay?
- I swear I was try... - It doesn't even matter.
Look. Look what we... We can just drink this.
- Here. You could have a drink. - Oh, no.
- I'm already pretty wasted. - Take a drink.
Okay, here's to you. This is to Becca.
To Becca.
- To the respecting... - Guys.
- Women. To people respecting women.
Okay. Yeah.
You're a lightweight.
Hey.
You and me, we should go upstairs, because...
Because I need to tell you something. Okay?
You could just tell me here, I mean...
I can't tell you, because it's a secret for you from me.
- All right. - So come. Come on. Okay.
- Bye, guys. - Bye.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
You changed your name to McLovin?
- That's so cool. - Thanks.
So, like, what's Hawaii like?
All right. I am back.
I had to thank the peeps for coming out, you know.
Jules. I want you to have a drink with me.
Just drink some of this. You're gonna love it.
You're to... I know you're gonna love it.
- You know, l... - It's green beer. For your information.
You know, I'm actually good right now. But thank you.
And thank you very much for bringing everything, again.
Seriously, it really made the night.
No, that's how I roll. That's the thing.
It's no problems. You'll learn that.
I love talking and conversing with you.
But I can't hear you, though, because the music is so loud.
So do you wanna go outside and talk more?
Yeah. Sorry, sure. You know, why not?
Let's do it. I haven't conversed in ages.
- Okay. Ladies... Ladies first. - Okay.
- Thank you very much. - No problem.
- Watch your step. I fell earlier today. - You serious?
Well, I was hit by a car. It's a long story.
- Oh, shit. Careful. - Okay, well...
So loud. Don't let the parents hear.
You look so pretty.
- Are you okay? - I so flirt with you in math.
Tell me about it. L... Samesies.
I've wanted to tell you for so long that you're the best girl.
I know. I've wanted to get with you, like, so hard.
Like so hard.
You're the best.
We'll take this sweater off. I think so.
Just be careful, because it's a meaningful sweater to me. It's vintage.
Okay.
- Bought it at that vintage market. - Just hurry.
- And this one. - It's off.
Hey, wait, careful.
- Oh, shit. - Oh, my.
Put that there.
- Now, looky, looky... - Okay.
...what I got for you under here. - Oh, my gosh.
You are the prettiest girl...
...this side of the Mississippi. - I have a little something...
...for you under here.
You look so pretty.
- Look so pretty. - Under there.
Hello.
For you.
You're the best. You're so unique.
Come here.
Evan, kiss me.
I like you so much.
Come on, McLovin.
I've never been with an older guy before.
Well, it's way better.
I know, we made some kick-ass tiramisu earlier.
It was deli... It looked weird. But it was delicious.
What...? What's wrong?
L... I would prefer if we would just do that...
...at some other time.
No. There is no other time. School is up.
- What's wrong with right now? - Well, I mean, you're... You're drunk.
- You're, like, really, really drunk. - So? You're drunk. You're drunk, Jules.
Yeah, I'm actually... I'm not drunk at all.
I don't even drink, so it's... I mean...
Jules, you drink. You drink.
Everybody... You... You had me get liquor, so you drink.
It's like...
Well, yeah, because I'm throwing a party, remember?
Other people drink and so I just...
You...?
You don't wanna, you know?
Not right now.
You know, not while you're drunk.
But, you know, thank you.
- Evan. Evan, I'm so wet. - Oh, yeah.
They said that would happen in health, when I learned about it.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- They taught me about... - Who's down there?
Yeah, it's your hand.
- Thank you, that's good. - You have such a smooth cock.
Thank you. You would too if you were a man.
But you got such a smooth chest.
I am gonna give you...
...the best blow-J ever...
...with my mouth.
Why don't we...? Why don't we just kiss a while?
Why don't we keep kissing for a bit, instead of...?
How badly do you wanna fuck me?
Jesus Christ.
Jesus, fuck.
- Hang on one second. - What?
Becca, I don't think you wanna do this.
- You're really drunk. - No, I'm not. I am not drunk.
- I see that you are. I think you are. - And I really... I want you inside me.
I want you to be my first. I want you inside me.
So just... Just go with it.
- Let it happen. - I know, but...
Becca, this is kind of intense.
And I just... I'm so drunk. I can't even, like, process this.
And you're really pretty.
And I just think this isn't how I pictured it.
I don't understand why you have to be such a little bitch about it.
- Did you just call me a bitch? - Yes, a scared...
See, I, like, I think we're not thinking clear...
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
- Go get Gaby. - I'll go get her.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Go get Gaby, please.
- I got a boner. - Good.
- Do you have a condom? - Yes.
And lube.
Seth?
Are...? Are you crying?
No, I just have something in both my eyes.
I don't cry. That's funny.
You look... You look... It looks like you're crying.
So...
It was my last chance and I fucked it up and...
Your last chance to do what?
To make you my girlfriend for the summer.
You're, like, the coolest person that's ever talked to me.
I thought we'd both be drunk.
What does me being drunk have anything to do with it?
You'd never get with me if you were sober.
Look at you.
- Look at me. - Seth, come on, you didn't blow it.
I think maybe...
What the fuck?!
Help me.
Shirley.
I'm sorry.
- Someone forgot to call pest control. - Yep.
Where you going? Hey, party's still on.
- Where are you going? - No.
If you're back there, get out. Everyone, come on.
- We will shoot you. - Party's over.
- Evan. - Get the hell out of here.
Keep your hands up.
Life's bullshit, Miroki.
Ev, wake the fuck up, man.
We gotta go. Those fucking cops are here, man.
"Oh, no, it's the cops." We have a complaint.
- Evan, come on. - Get the hell out of here right now.
Get out of here. She's not interested.
- Drop the crantini and move it, sister. - See you, sugar tits.
Guys, come on, move.
Everybody out. Leave the booze and go.
What the fuck, man?
What the fuck, Seth?
He's my best friend. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Come on.
I assume you all have guns and crack.
Oh, my God, come on. Don't stop.
Okay, everyone...
...prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law.
Get out.
Come on, go.
Fuck off, Seth.
Get a room.
I'm gonna save you. I'm gonna save you, Evan.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck, man, so heavy.
It's in. Oh, my God, it's in.
All right, everybody out. Come on, let's go.
McLovin! What the fuck?
- Officer Slater, is that you? - You ran away from us.
Why did you run away? Michaels, get up here.
- No. I didn't run away. - What the fuck?
Why would you do that?
- I was disoriented from... - Were you violating that girl?
You just violated her with your penis? Michaels, look.
- McLovin? - No, no, no.
No.
Holy shit. Were you just getting laid?
No. Yeah, I was, but...
- Yes, yes, he was. - It's not what you think, guys.
- I'm not even... - Sit the fuck down. Stay down.
- Calm down. - I thought we were friends...
...and then you go running away.
Contain yourself.
- We're friends. - Shut up.
- Calm down. Calm down, man. - Why? What?
You just cock-blocked McLovin. Okay?
He's our friend. We don't do that.
We should be guiding his cock, not blocking it.
Just relax, okay? Let's make this right.
Wait, what are you...? What are you guys doing?
No, please, I can't... I can't go to jail. Please, I can't go to jail.
No, look. We're really sorry, McLovin.
This has... This has gone on... This has gone way too far.
What? What are you talking about?
We know you're not 25, man. We're not idiots, McLovin.
- Yeah. - Did you know the whole time?
Look, when we were your age, we hated cops.
When we saw you in the liquor store today, we just...
I guess we saw a bit of ourselves, you know...
...and we just wanted to show you that...
...you know, cops can have a fun time too, you know?
Yeah.
You know, in a way, I think we wanted to show ourselves.
Also, I'm...
I'm really sorry that I blocked your cock.
- Apology accepted. - Seriously, man.
That feels good.
- It feels so good. - I missed you guys.
I just wish we could make it up to you somehow, man.
Well, do you think you can do me a really big favor?
- What is it? Anything. - Name it.
- This kid's fucking crazy. - Stay back for your own safety.
Get off me, you fucking cops. Get your hands off.
Do you know who I am? I'm Fogell.
- The joint can't hold me. - Holy shit, Fogell's a badass.
I'm gonna break your glasses, you fucking cop. You can't hold me.
Fucking pigs.
Oh, shit.
Nice mullet, asshole.
- You crazy. - This kid's crazy.
He's nuts. Well, we caught the infamous Fogell.
Get your hands... Wait for me, Nicola.
Wait for me on the outside.
We were gonna go to Hawaii.
Man, that's gonna get you so much ass.
Seriously?
- I know what to do about the car. - Sweet.
Fucking go. Fucking throw up.
Are you carrying me?
No, I'm saving you from the cops.
You saved me?
Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but thanks.
Can l... Should I just walk?
- Should I walk? - Yeah, sure.
- Okay. - Where do you wanna go?
Sleepover at my house? You wanna come sleep...?
- Okay. - Okay.
Does your mom still have pizza bagels?
Yeah. Lots.
Pizza bagels.
So by signing this, you are officially saying...
...that as we stopped you from being mugged...
...a crackhead stole our cruiser and did God knows what with it.
- You cool to sign that? - Of course. I owe you guys my life.
We owe you, Mc... Wait, what's your real name again?
- Fogell. - Fuck that.
- We're calling you McLovin. - McLovin.
Let's do this dance, boys.
- Oh, my God. - What did I tell you guys, right?
That was crazy.
All right.
All right, now, guys, check this out.
It's probably the greatest move in doughnut-spinning history.
You paying attention?
Behold, the upward-spiraling pigtail.
- Why is it called that? - I don't know.
Make the badge proud, Slater.
He's not usually this drunk when he does this...
...but I think that could make it more cool.
McLovin!
Oh, no.
Fuck.
- Slater! - Officer Slater.
All right. Fucking crazy.
Let's do this.
- Hurry, hurry. Let's go. Go, go. - I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
- I'm out, I'm out. - Good, here we go, here we go.
Yeah? Yeah, okay. Back up.
Don't blow yourself up, asshole.
Yes. Oh, my God.
It worked. It worked.
We won. We won.
Can we shoot at it?
I don't know. Can you?
Break yourself, fool.
Tight.
Listen, and then she said she was gonna give me a blow-J.
- I can't believe she said that to you. - Man, you have no idea.
- What was she thinking? - You don't even know.
I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you something, Evan.
What?
I was in your room, like, three weeks ago...
...while you were taking a shit.
And I saw your housing, like, forms.
So I knew you and Fogell were gonna live together, you know.
I'm sorry, man, I don't know.
I should've told you. I don't know why I didn't.
Don't... No, don't be sorry. I should be sorry.
I was being a dick. I was being a big dick to you.
No, l...
Listen, Seth, I want you to know, I don't wanna live with Fogell.
I never wanted to live with him. I just don't... I ha...
I'm afraid to live with strangers.
I can't.
I can't do it.
I know, I know.
I can't believe you saved me.
You saved me.
I can't believe. I owe you so...
You carried me. I love you.
I love you, man.
I love you.
I love you. I'm not even embarrassed to say it. I just...
I lo... I love you.
- I'm not embarrassed. - I love you.
I love you.
Why don't we say that every day? Why can't we say it more often?
I just love you. I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream:
"I love my best friend, Evan."
- We should go up on my roof. - For sure.
Like, when you went away for Easter, on your vacation, I missed you.
- I missed you too. - I want the world to know.
It's... It's the most beautiful thing in the world.
Come here. Come here, man.
- I love you. - I love you.
What the fuck?
- What up? - Morning. Morning.
I should get moving. I should get moving.
I should be getting a move on, for sure.
Yeah, you don't... I mean, you don't have to, you know.
I don't really have anything going on.
You don't have to rush off like that.
You wanna hang out?
I was gonna go to the mall.
I have to get a new comforter.
For college. The mall, they would sell that.
Cool. So...
...your mom's got huge tits.
What do you think?
I don't know, man. Don't ask me.
Because I don't give a shit how pants look.
Yeah, I need someone's opinion.
Those are too tight. Those are way too tight.
- Yeah, but, like... - Way too tight. You need to upgrade.
There's not enough pants where there should be. More pants.
Yeah, but... I mean, does it look weird?
Looks like you're standing funny. You wouldn't stand like that. Like a duck.
Yeah, but I'm doing like...
- I'm doing the college poses like... - I don't know if you are.
- You might just be doing... - Hey, prof.
- Okay. - That test was...
Hey, Susan. Are you gonna party tonight or no?
Yeah, but that's just... It's like I wish there were more pants where...
You know, where there aren't.
But when I was wearing your dad's pants...
...I realized that if I wear pants that are a little too small...
...it might encourage me to lose weight.
And also, chicks can kind of see, like...
...you know, the borders and outline of my dick a little.
Yeah, man, they go nuts for that. The male camel toe.
Yeah, the camel tail. It's right...
I know where it is, where it happens.
Like, right there.
It's like they're so tight that one ball is, like, above my dick, even.
- Yeah, exactly. - It's like three.
It's like a three thing. It's like ball, dick, ball.
It's like a division sign.
Like a bunch of people crammed into a van.
- Making my ass look weird? - It makes a lot of stuff look weird.
No, those are way too tight.
You're right, these look stupid. Let's get the fuck out of here.
I'm really sorry about that. I can't believe I actually did that.
I feel bad that I'm making you buy me a new one.
It's seems, like, ridiculous.
- No. I have to, it's puke. It's gross. - Oh, my God.
Do alcoholics get hangovers?
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. It's them.
- What the fuck do we do, man? - Don't stop. I don't know.
- Hey. - Hey.
How's it going?
It's so good to... How are you feeling?
I've felt better. But I'll be fine. How about you?
I'm okay, you know, yeah. Did you have fun last night?
You know, I actually don't remember much.
I don't remember anything.
- So weird. - Nothing.
I didn't puke on you, did I?
You didn't. I remember that you... I avoided it.
It whizzed right by me, and I said, "Stay away from me," you know.
I'm really sorry about everything last night, and I just...
Thank you for being such a nice guy about it all.
That's okay, you know.
At least you don't have a black eye from it.
- That looks terrible. - Yeah.
You look great. You don't look terrible. It's just, like, a bad bruise.
Everything's great, just from he... This, just like right there.
- Your eye. - Yeah, your eye.
Everything else is great.
But seriously, I acted like a fucking idiot last night.
You don't deserve that. So I'm sorry.
On the upside, I think you look cool with a black eye.
I'm just gonna throw that out there. I don't... I don't know.
Well, thank you, smart guy. Thanks. That's actually why I'm here.
Because I have to get a ton of cover-up for the grad photo.
Oh, man. Fuck.
And I'm gonna get Jules a new comforter.
I have to get a comforter too. For college.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I just figured I would need one.
So, Seth...
So do you wanna come buy me cover-up or something?
I mean, you kind of owe me.
Yeah, definitely. I would love to do that.
I had such bad acne last year...
...that I pretty much became, like, an expert on the stuff.
Well, you drove. Evan drove me here, though, so...
Well, so... Well, I mean, I have my dad's car.
So I could just give you a lift...
...and then Evan could take Becca home.
If that works. I don't know if it's in your route.
It'd be fine with me.
Fine, yeah. Maybe we can get some food.
Yeah, I'd like that.
So I guess I'll call you, then.
Yeah, give me a call. Yeah, you have my number.
I have your information. So put her there.
Perfect. Good. All right, man.
- Okay. - Okay, guys.
- Becca. - Bye, guys.
- Bye, have fun. - See you, Jules.
Yeah, that's funny. Too funny.
Where do you wanna go to eat?
So can you honestly help me figure out what kind of cover-up to get?
I love you.